You lied to me.

I know you've been lying to me about the women you chat with.

I've known it this whole time.

But when confronted, when I finally had hard evidence to confront you with, you didn't confess. You just held tight to that lie, you held on for dear life. Even though it meant that you destroyed all of my trust for you.

Now I have to second guess EVERYTHING that you say. Every comment you've made, every quickly closed chat window.

Sometimes you tell me the truth. Or do you?

I don't know anymore.

What would you miss the most?

If I was gone tomorrow, what would you miss the most?

Would it be the ways that I always tried to make you laugh, even if it meant making fun of myself?

Would it be that I make you dinner and bring it to you up in our room so you don't even have to get up?

Would it be the laundry that I do and the cooking?

Would it be my trying to find something fun to do every night so that each day is memorable?

I don't think you'd even notice these things. You seem to expect them, and sometimes they even anger you.

I know what I did to deserve all of this. Now I just wish I could undo it and send you away.

Waaaah!

Waah! I've spent my life stumbling into great jobs that I am totally unqualified for, and then when I get them I find reasons to pick fights with my coworkers and complain about my jobs!

Waah! I have practically zero education (remember where I said he lied a lot? Yeah, he lied about his college degree, hell, he lied about going to high school. I'm thinking his education ended at about 8th grade, if I can piece the lies together properly) but I want a great paying job! WAAAH WHY CAN'T I FIND IT?

Waah! My lovely wife says she'll take care of the household bills and even give me spending money while I decide to go back to school or do whatever I want but its not good enough so I'm going to lash out at her!

Fuck you.

Here's a Clue

When I'm telling you how great you are, how happy I am to have you, and how I'll do anything to make things right with your work situation so you can be happy, the proper response is "thanks, hon. I'm glad that you've got my back."

Yeah, right.

How about some sarcasm and a shitty remark instead?

Fuck you.

So quit already. I stopped caring about 11 months ago.

I grow tired of the bitching about work.

I grow tired of hearing how horrible your job is, how bored you are, how incompetent your coworkers are.

I get tired of falling all over myself trying to tell you how great you are, and how you can get a different job, and how things will be fine.

Seriously. Find a fucking job or shut your damn mouth. I am really, seriously tired of the whiny bitch that you've become.

Another Shitty Weekend

Sunday morning he was sleeping in, so I decided to go for a bike ride. I told him I'd be going, and I asked when he wanted me back. He said he didn't care, so I packed a book and looked forward to my morning.

About an hour and a half later he called to ask where I was. It happened that I was on the way home, and he seemed pleased.

I got home and found nothing but open hostility.

He was in the kitchen, angry.

Why are all the kitchen towels dirty?
Well, honey, I started a load of laundry before I left. I'll go check on it now.

Why were you gone for two and a half hours?
Two and a half hours ago I was still asleep. I left at ten, and now its just before 11:30. Besides, I asked if it was okay.

Then there was general grumbling about dirty dishes, and he made himself a bowl of cereal. This is a small thing, but I've never made so much as one crumb of food for myself without making a nice meal for him, and I've often served it to him while he lied in bed, watching TV or playing on his laptop. He didn't offer me any cereal, he just grumbled some more and went upstairs.

I'd like to say the day got better. Really, it just got less worse.

I'm A Sucker

He knows he has a good deal with me. Anything he wants, I make it happen. Yet he manages to still make me feel bad that I don't do a good enough job, that he always feels bad about buying anything for himself. That this is the first time in his life that he hasn't had money in his pocket (although he's also told me that he's never really had extra cash in his life. So which is it? I play the "so which is it?" game a lot).

I hate this. I want a reset button for my life.

Sick of It

Welcome to my very emo blog. I'm really just writing this for myself because I need to talk to someone and I have completely run out of friends that I can trust to say anything to. Plus, I want to see how many good days I have, compared to the bad days. I'm expecting way more bad days, but I want to be sure.

For every gorgeous woman in the world, there is some guy who is sick of her shit.

Right now, I am really sick of someone's shit.

He seemed like a great guy. Hard working, fun loving, easy to get along with, happy.

In reality, he is a self-aggrandizing complainer, a martyr, basically lazy, and he lies to me. And I am sick of his shit.

This week he decided that he hates his job. Big surprise, he can't get along with anyone and will take the smallest perceived slight as a huge offense and carry a grudge forever. Childish and petty. I don't want to go into details about this morning's fight, but it upset me bad.

And I am sick of his shit. But what can I do?

More days than not, I think I am just sitting around, waiting to die.

I really miss living every moment.